Behind the Iron Curtain

This is a little segment that I would like to future incorporate into this magazine.

We all happen to get into adventures at festivals, concerts etc. and I am going to share some of my exploits, some good, some bad some rather droll.

This is a tale from this years always impressive Golden Plains. My extensive review can be found here.

It starts off on Day 2 of the festival. After somehow surviving the first day of BYO action featuring some amazing sets from Cosmic Psychos, OS Mutantes and Wavves, I pulled myself together in a daze and went down to the tucker tent and did little moving as I watched Sydney's Boy and Bear and ate my bacon roll.

As the day went on I regained my energy and was able to start partaking in the BYO action again with some 'Imported German beer',of which comes in rather large cans and with this years spectacular weather, became rather warm.

But not the worry, I managed to dissolve my taste buds and had no problem drinking.

As Best Coast wrapped up, for some reason there must of been something in the air. For all of the sudden my higher brain functions seemed inhibited and for some reason I got rather hungry.

So then I went to town over at the food court, partaking in steak sandwiches, waffles and many a Kofta ball from the Hari Krishna tent.

With my hunger placed at bay I went back to the tent for some warm beer and make shift cocktails of pepsi max beer and vodka. Then I settled in and saw an amazing set courtesy of Belle and Sebastian where I tried to start a new Golden Plains tradition in the form of a crab (A dance were one moves from side to side in a crab like fashion and also has well co ordinated 'nips' {a bit off topic I know, but hey if you are present at next years Golden Plains join in!}).

Shortly after Belle and Sebastian my companion, who did not fare as well the next day and was unable to join me in some fine lager, packed it in and went back to our tent over at Shady Lane.

I however pushed on and after two lackluster sets delivered from Jamie Lidell and Architecture in Helsinki, I had to rush back to the tent and acquire more liquor to see me through to the awe inspiring silence wedge.

As I descended the amphitheater and passed the Meredith Eye, I felt a squelching in me gullet. It was then I decided I may need to poop.

Passing the Rochester this became more and more of a reality and then what seemed like a gentler urge became a dire emergency!!!

My brisk walk became a insane dash as if I was being hunted down by a pack of wild bears. I ran passed my tent and on the way by in a incoherent babble of grunts and 'Oh Gods' I hurled off my poncho (I didn't want to get it messy, it's authentic Nepalese!)  

Reaching the Shady Lane toilets, I ascended those stairs like a mountain goat and almost dived onto on of the biodegradable toilets.

I'll tell you now, as I sat down and began, It was better than sex! well for at least the first five mins.

After a while I thought that I had been poisoned, I couldn't stop!!! I was beginning to descend into agony!

But wrapping up an odd 20mins later (I average 5mins tops) I climbed down off my thrown warn out but still oddly keen to keep drinking.

But then I looked down and saw that my boxer shorts were covered in poopy! as were my pants. So on my mad dash it seems that I had shat myself.

Not knowing what to do, and with my brain effected by copious amounts of alcohol. I removed my pants entirely and threw my soiled boxer shorts down the shoot hole (I'm so sorry Golden Plains!).

I didn't know what to do with my pants, I didn't want to throw them out as I had just bought them (I got them for a sweet $8 from the salvation army just before coming down to Melbourne) I couldn't put them back on so I picked them up and unashamedly walked bare ass back to my tent to which I am not sure but I think the campsite marshals might have seen me.

Upon arriving back to the tent I drunkenly awoke my companion with ramblings of 'Oh my Gawd… U wont believe what I jusssst did, 'I fuckin' shat me self! There was crap everywhere!'.

But then I heard in the distance the last band of the festival Hawkwind beginning their set. So I decided to don on my poncho and head back down to the festival bare assed essentially and wound up having a rather good time.

I got back after the once in a lifetime silence wedge, wound up sleeping for a few hours and waking up with my shit covered pants near my head.

Upon awaking, with my head throbbing in a daze. I had to go wee so I revisited the same toilet I did the night before and noticed there was poo everywhere. Not only in the cubicle but on the walls and on the stairs on your way up to the toilet.

I'm sorry Golden Plains, please let me back next year. I'm surprised I was allowed back after the year before (ha this time I got in for free to review it too) but that's another story for another week.

So now you know a little bit more about me!

To read my serious critical review of the bands and this great festival please visit: http://www.groovemag.com.au/events/20110314826-live-review-golden-plains-festival-2011

Bradley...